| 2 times in my life have i ever experienced a true feeling of absolute loathing: about 4 years ago when i literally stalked the night in hopes of ending a life and right effing now. the quietude of tonight has been shattered and the scattered shards pulverized. i don't believe there are enough intoxicants in this world to wipe this particular feeling from me. but, tomorrow (or rather today after sleeping) is another day... and we shall see what it brings
so that's what i posted on FB...
here's a somewhat complete explanation. an explanation insofar as how my thoughts work anyway:
i've wanted you for a year and a half
my girl and i broke up and you said that aforementioned line verbatim to me
it happened
i woke up in your bed beside you daily for over a week before we talked about what was going on
we started dating
in your own words: "this is so perfect. this is everything i've ever wanted."
YOU said you loved me. YOU initiated that whole fucking route of conversation
you were angry at me. we talked about it. i made it a point to not make you feel the way i did ever again
our next two serious conversation were you admitting you had been treating me unfairly, and that you were sorry
we didn't fuck for a month
save for twice: once when you were horny but mostly uninterested. and a second time when i was utterly annihilated because the absolute last thing i ever thought would happen that evening was my girlfriend crawling into bed and fucking me
two days after spending a horribly embarrassing day at fucking Epcot for your mom's birthday you dumped me because you were feeling boxed in and you wanted to move back to *state where she's from*
that night you came to an event i was hosting in a terribly hot halloween costume, stuck me with a bartab and left with your friends
the morning after you woke me up at 930am by hopping into bed with me because you were bored then stared into my eyes silently for minutes at a time
the next night you invited yourself out to drink with me, got hammered and said you;d hate to think you would move away and miss an opportunity to have something with me here (two days after you dumped me, btw), then commented to me, and to soon to be mentioned couple, that you could see us as our conversation al partners, fourteen years down the road and married for ten...
two days after you dumped me
the following morning you walked around in your underwear all morning, hopped in my bed again, stood for a moment leaning back into my chest, then giggled when i walked up behind you and held your ass for a moment in both hands
that afternoon i cooked you a three course serious fucking meal; you said it was delicious, donned that same goddamn halloween costume and left for work
about 1230 in the afternoon the next day you showed up in someone else's pajamas to pick up the housekey because you couldn't find yours
things were odd for a bit
you wanted to let me know that you had slept with a friend of yours "so i wouldn't hear it from anyone else"
your friends don't talk to me. ever.
you got mad at my reaction of "i'm not surprised"
we didn't see each other for about a week
you told me you wanted to talk
twice
the second night you said so you showed up with some friend of yours, picked up your dog, gave me a hug and left
i punched a hole through the television your douchebag ex roomate left behind, which freaked you out
i haven't seen you for more than 10 minutes since then, which has been endlessly theraputic
you said a third time you wanted to talk and passed out watching a movie and left me waiting for like 9 hours
tonight your myspace update was:
"sniggled up with my girl...mmmm yummy kisses!
mood: smitten"
funny how you said that "most likely" nothing was going to happen between you two. it was just sex...
like that was necessary to add
i took my mace, not the spray chemical kind but a real fuckoff steel 5 star flanged mace, to the television again tonight
that was also theraputic
i'm cashing in my chips and i'm fucking done |
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